SO WHERE AM I CURRENTLY SITTING IN THE PROCESS? (mentally)

So on my last post I talked about my physical progress in my recovery.

What I believe to be more important is the mental progress — of any recovery.

Let’s just say… I AM HAPPY!!!

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Oh my goshhhhhh, I never thought I would ever be able to say that… I AM HAPPY I AM HAPPY I AM HAPPY! Look, I even said it three times. That’s how you know it’s the real deal.

Alright so those with an eating disorder really do know the mental toll it takes on you. It’s a little harder to make it relate to those who haven’t lived through it. I’m definitely not saying that the pain and destruction of an eating disorder trumps other types of pain and destruction — no no no, I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying that it’s hard to really understand someone else’s struggles when you haven’t experienced them yourself. So I’ll try my best to make all of this make sense!

That number. The number on the scale. Every morning, every afternoon, every evening, and the hours in between… every second of every day was devoted to that number. Every second of every day held thoughts only about food, exercise, and that number. I exercised only because “I was revolting” (now, fitness is my passion and I do it 110% because I LOVE IT). Food was not normal. I looked at any food or product and I already knew the ins and outs of the nutrition label because I had read it 1,000 times over and over again but never actually ate it. I’d only eat the things anorexia told me were “okay”.. and I wasn’t allowed to eat a normal portion, only just a sliver or a piece. So, anorexia destroyed my perception of food.

Another thing that anorexia destroyed was me. I did not love myself in the slightest. I hated every part of me, inside and out. The hatred only grew every time I took a breath, every single time I would wake up in the mornings. I would sit in front of the mirror and I would just sit and cry, sit and cry, sit and cry. I would hit myself, I would hurt myself with other things. But the comments I made to myself were the most damaging. I don’t really believe that it was myself making those comments. I wouldn’t say that. Anorexia did.

I became “good at nothing”, only at losing weight even though it would “never be enough” to satisfy. I became nothing but a statistic, a number, a speck in a world full of vibrancy and life.

I isolated myself. I didn’t go out because of food. I didn’t see people because I was ashamed of my body. Anorexia became my only “friend” and I depended on it. I lived for it.

But NOWWWW, my friends… NOW I AM LIVING!!!

I exercise because it is my PASSION, I eat food because I ENJOY IT and it KEEPS ME ALIVE, I go out with my friends (and new friends!) because life is TOO SHORT!!! I’m still working on the self love part, yes, but that will always be a process. I no longer hate myself. I no longer want to tear my body apart. I no longer step on the scale every day and I no longer sit in front of the mirror and spend my day crying. I am living.

 

So where am I currently sitting in the process?

The recovery process, that is, of anorexia.

Let me start by talking about my physical recovering. I have gained just around 15 pounds and am finally at a healthy weight. After two years of living on the brink of death, I am at a healthy weight and I feel stronger than ever.

 

This past year I was banned from the gym because obviously it was unhealthy for a 95 pound girl who was eating 500 calories a day to be working out. At the time I didn’t see that, but now I really do. BUTTTT when summer ended this year I finally got back to it. I wasn’t at a healthy weight, no, but fitness has always been my passion. Always. Even pre-ED (eating disorder). And so, since it was my passion, I thought that it would encourage me to get better… and that’s exactly what it did. I ditched the cardio and instead I did some strength and I ate. I ate. And something else I ditched — the scale. Every day I would make sure to step on that scale 7+ times. But every day got easier as I got stronger and my passion for life and for fitness grew… and now I go multiple days in a row without stepping on a scale. And when I do step on a scale, I take a deep breath. Of course anorexia comments, but I simply acknowledge that voice and then pass it by and move on. Because that’s something I’ve learned to do. And as of yesterday, I’m about a healthy 109-111 pounds… AHHH THAT’S CrAZY!!! I feel so strong. Oh yes, how could I forget? — I’ve finally been able to take on LIFTING (aka my greatest passion and hobby everrrrr). Of course I’m only able to squat and deadlift 95 lbs right now, but still. The rush is just indescribable. I cannot wait to get stronger.

I still haven’t gotten my period but I just last week got an ultrasound done on my ovaries to kind of see if they’re kinda close to doin’ that thang that they do yanno? I haven’t gotten those results yet. I also was diagnosed with osteopenia but I’m treating that by lifting and strength training to try and get those bones a bit stronger 🙂

Welllll, this blog post is probably way too long by now SO I will make a separate one soon about my mental recovery 🙂

I hope you’re living strong today!!

First blog post ever!!:)

Ahhh I’m so freaking excited!! What’s up people of the internet? My name is Ashlyn (feel free to call me Ash though, because most people do) and wow. This is just exciting. I was just sitting around thinking about my life and what I’m really doing with it and then I was like… I SHOULD START A BLOG! Because I absolutely loveeee writing and I loveeee people and interaction. So, here I am! I really just want to be a light to those who are struggling and to show people that to LIVE is worth it. That’s what I’m learning, anyway, and so I need to share that with other people.

So, let me further introduce myself.

I live in the so called “Sunshine State” of Florida and just turned 17 this past November. I’m recovering from several mental illnesses but THAT IS NOT WHO I AM. I am Ash and Ash loves Christmas time, meeting new people, doing new things, living and loving for Christ, cooking, having random dance parties, taking pictures, FASHIONNN, decorating, lifting, the beach, traveling, etc. etc. ETC. I seriously love so much, it’s quite ridiculous. The real me, that Ashlyn, has been held captive by mental illnesses whose voices for most of my life were louder than any other. BUT I’m coming to learn that the voice of TRUTH and the only voice that is worth listening to is the voice of God.

So that’s me I suppose, in a couple of little paragraphs. EEEEK my first blog post!!